LIST OF NEWLY DISCOVERED VIRUSES:

BOBBIT VIRUS: Removes a vital part of your hard disk then re-attaches it 
(but that part will never work again).

OPRAH WINFREY VIRUS: Your 200 MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80 MB and 
then slowly expands back to 200 MB.

AT&T VIRUS: Every 3 minutes it tells you what great service you are 
getting.

MCI VIRUS: Every 3 minutes it reminds you that you're paying too much for 
the AT&T virus.

PAUL REVERE VIRUS: This revolutionary virus does not horse around. It 
warns you of impending hard disk attack - once if by LAN, twice if by C:>.

POLITICALLY CORRECT VIRUS: Never calls itself a "virus", but instead 
refers to itself as an "electronic" microorganism.

RIGHT TO LIFE VIRUS: Won't allow you to delete a file, regardless of how 
old it is. If you attempt to erase a file, it requires you to first see a
counselor about possible alternatives.

ROSS PEROT VIRUS: Activates every component in your system, just before 
the whole damn thing quits.

MARIO CUOMO VIRUS: It would be a great virus, but it refuses to run.

TED TURNER VIRUS: Colorizes your monochrome monitor.

ARNOLD SCWARZENEGGER VIRUS: Terminates and stays resident. It'll be back.

DAN QUAYLE VIRUS: Prevents your system from spawning any child process 
without joining into a binary network.

DAN QUAYLE VIRUS #2: Their is sumthing rong wit your komputer, ewe jsut 
cant figyour out wattt!

GOVERNMENT ECONOMIST VIRUS: Nothing works, but all your diagnostic 
software says everything is fine.

NEW WORLD ORDER VIRUS: Probably harmless, but it makes a lot of people 
really mad just thinking about it.

FEDERAL BUREAUCRAT VIRUS: Divides your hard disk into hundreds of little
units, each of which does practically nothing, but all of which claim to 
be the most important part of your computer.

GALLUP VIRUS: 60% of the PC's infected will lose 38% of their data 14% of 
the time (plus or minus a 3.5% margin of error).

TERRY RANDLE VIRUS: Prints "Oh no you don't" whenever you chose "Abort" 
from the "Abort" "Retry" "Fail" message.

TEXAS VIRUS: Makes sure that it's bigger than any other file.

ADAM AND EVE VIRUS: Takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple.

CONGRESSIONAL VIRUS: The computer locks up, screen splits erratically, 
with a message appearing on each half blaming the other side of the 
screen for the problem.

CONGRESSIONAL VIRUS #2: Runs every program on the hard drive 
simultaneously, but doesn't allow the user to accomplish anything.

AIRLINE VIRUS: You're in Dallas, but your data is in Singapore.

FREUDIAN VIRUS: Your computer becomes obsessed with marrying its own
motherboard.

PBS VIRUS: Your programs stop every few minutes to ask for money.

ELVIS VIRUS: Your computer gets fat, slow and lazy, then self destructs; 
only to resurface at shopping malls and service stations across rural 
America.

OLLIE NORTH VIRUS: Causes your printer to become a paper shredder.

NIKE VIRUS: Just does it.

SEARS VIRUS: Your data won't appear unless you buy new cables, power 
supplies and a set of shocks.

JIMMY HOFFA VIRUS: Your programs can never be found again.

KEVORKIAN VIRUS: Helps your computer shut down as an act of mercy.

IMELDA MARCOS VIRUS: Sings you a song (slightly off key) on boot up, then
subtracts money from your Quicken account and spends it all on expensive 
shoes it purchases through Prodigy.

STAR TREK VIRUS: Invades your system in places where no virus has gone 
before.

HEALTH CARE VIRUS: Tests your system for a day, finds nothing wrong, and 
sends you a bill for 4,500.

GEORGE BUSH VIRUS: It starts by boldly stating, "Read my docs....No new
files!" on the screen. It proceeds to fill up all your free space on your 
hard drive with new files, then blames it on the Congressional Virus.

CLEVELAND INDIANS VIRUS: Makes your 486/50 machine perform like a 286/AT.

LAPD VIRUS: It claims it feels threatened by the other files on your PC 
and erases them in "self defense".

CHICAGO CUBS VIRUS: Your PC makes frequent mistakes and comes in last in 
the reviews, but you still love it.

ORAL ROBERTS VIRUS: Claims that if you don't send it a million dollars, 
it's programmer will take it back.