The heaviest known element known to science was recently discovered 
by corporate research physicists.  The element, tentatively named
Administratium, has no protons or electrons and thus has an atomic
number of 0.  However, it does have 1 neutron, 15 senior vice 
neutrons,60 vice neutrons, 125 assistant neutrons, and 111 assistant vice
neutrons.  This gives it an atomic mass of 312.

These 312 particles are held together in a nucleus by a force that
involves the continuous exchange of meson-like particles called 
morons.

Since it has no electrons, Administratium is inert.  However, it can 
be detected chemically as it impedes every reaction it comes in contact
with.  According to discoverers, a minute amount of Administratium
caused one reaction to take over 4 days to complete when it would
normally occur in less than one second.

Administratium has a normal half life of approximately 3 years at 
which time it does not actually decay, but instead undergoes a 
reorganisation in which the assistant neutrons, vice neutrons, and assistant 
vice neutrons exchange places.  Some studies have shown that the atomic 
mass actually increases after each reorganisation.

Scientists point out Administratium is known to be toxic at any level 
of concentration and can easily destroy any productive reaction where it 
is allowed to accumulate.  Attempts are being made to determine how
Administratium can be controlled to prevent irreversible damage, but
results to date are not promising.