The upgrade path to the most powerful and satisfying computer:

    * Pocket calculator

    * Commodore Pet / Apple II / TRS 80 / Commodore 64 / Timex Sinclair
      (Choose any of the above)

    * IBM PC

    * Apple Macintosh

    * Fastest workstation of the time (HP, DEC, IBM, SGI: your choice)

    * Minicomputer (HP, DEC, IBM, SGI: your choice)

    * Mainframe (IBM, Cray, DEC: your choice)


And then you reach the pinnacle of modern computing facilities:

*********************************************************
*******     G R A D U A T E   S T U D E N T S    ********
*********************************************************

Yes, you just sit back and do all of your computing through lowly
graduate students.  Imagine the advantages:

    * Multi-processing, with as many processes as you have
      students.  You can easily add more power by promising more
      desperate undergrads that they can indeed escape college
      through your guidance.  Special student units can even
      handle several tasks *on*their*own*!

    * Full voice recognition interface.  Never touch a keyboard or
      mouse again.  Just mumble commands and they *will* be
      understood (or else!).

    * No hardware upgrades and no installation required.  Every
      student comes complete with all hardware necessary.  Never
      again fry a chip or $10,000 board by improper installation!
      Just sit that sniveling student at a desk, give it writing
      utensils (making sure to point out which is the dangerous
      end) and off it goes.

    * Low maintenance.  Remember when that hard disk crashed in
      your Beta 9900, causing all of your work to go the great bit
      bucket in the sky?  This won't happen with grad. students.
      All that is required is that you give them a good *whack!*
      upside the head when they are acting up, and they will run
      good as new.

    * Abuse module.  Imagine yelling expletives at your computer.
      Doesn't work too well, because your machine just sits there
      and ignores you.  Through the grad student abuse module you
      can put the fear of god in them, and get results to boot!

    * Built-in lifetime.  Remember that awful feeling two years
      after you bought your GigaPlutz mainframe when the new
      faculty member on the block sneered at you because his
      FeelyWup workstation could compute rings around your
      dinosaur?  This doesn't happen with grad. students.  When
      they start wearing and losing productivity, simply give them
      the PhD and boot them out onto the street to fend for
      themselves.  Out of sight, out of mind!

    * Cheap fuel: students run on Coca Cola (or the high-octane
      equivalent -- Jolt Cola) and typically consume hot spicy
      chinese dishes, cheap taco substitutes, or completely
      synthetic macaroni replacements.  It is entirely unnecessary
      to plug the student into the wall socket (although this does
      get them going a little faster from time to time).

    * Expansion options.  If your grad. students don't seem to be
      performing too well, consider adding a handy system manager
      or software engineer upgrade.  These guys are guaranteed to
      require even less than a student, and typically establish
      permanent residence in the computer room.  You'll never know
      they are around!  (Which you certainly can't say for an
      AXZ3000-69 150gigahertz space-heater sitting on your desk
      with its ten noisy fans....)  [Note however that the
      engineering department still hasn't worked out some of the
      idiosyncratic bugs in these expansion options, such as
      incessant muttering at nobody in particular, occasionaly
      screaming at your grad. students, and posting ridiculous
      messages on world-wide bulletin boards.]

So forget your Babbage Engines and abacuses (abaci?) and PortaBooks and
DEK 666-3D's and all that other silicon garbage.  The wave of the future
is in wetware, so invest in graduate students today!  You'll never go
back!