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                Unleash the Power of Shift!
              The Shift Key FAQ - Version 1.1
             by Alan Meiss, ameiss@indiana.edu
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Q. My shift keys have little arrows on them.  Does that mean the
   *real* shift keys are located above them, and these keys are just
   little signs to point them out?

A. Nope, they're the Real McCoy.  The little arrows mean "up", as
   in "look up at the screen".  Your keyboard is telling you to
   learn to touch type and quit staring at your fingers.

Q. What happens if I press both shift keys?

A. Even bigger letters may show up on your screen.  You should
   not use this feature, however, because these letters are also
   brighter, and may cause Screen Burn-In, which would be
   particularly embarrassing if you were typing something naughty at
   the time.  You might consider obtaining the author's Shift Key
   Burn-In Protector program for only $139.95.  Or you might not,
   it's your computer, but don't say I didn't warn you.

Q. my religion prohibits the use of shift keys. how can i type
   capital letters and punctuation

A. Discuss alternatives to the shift key with your spiritual
   advisor. Perhaps your deity would not be angered by repeated use
   of the Caps Lock key, or maybe you can retain a consultant to
   depress the shift for you. You might also consider replacing
   punctuation marks that require the use of shift keys with lower
   case expressions; replace ? with "huh" and ! with "zowie".


A. Do small children with a fondness for peanut butter use your
   keyboard frequently?  If so, you may want to clean it off for
   more reliable operation.  First, disconnect your keyboard by
   gripping each of its ends firmly and pulling as hard as you can.

   Next, immerse the keyboard in warm water and scrub thoroughly
   with your favorite lemon-scented detergent and lots of steel
   wool.  Finally, you need to dry the keyboard.  Either dry it to
   touch with a handheld blowdryer, or place it it the dryer for not
   less than 60 minutes.  Be sure to clean the lint screen when you
   are finished.

Q. Why are there are no "shift" keys on my keyboard, but there
   are two keys labelled "hif"?

A. Again, you may want to consider cleaning your keyboard, and
   washing your hands more frequently for that matter.

Q. Are there shift keys on my Macintosh?

A. Yes, although instead of the notation "shift", the key may be
   labelled with an excited Mac face, something like :O .  Press
   this key to use shift, and be thankful you're using a friendly
   Mac instead of a mean old PC with all them confusin' words 'n
   stuff on it.

Q. I'm sick of pushing the shift key every single time I want
   big letters. Is there any other way to do this?

A. This is the Modern Age of Convenience, and you may be able to
   activate the shift key merely with the power of your voice!

   Check to see whether your computer is equipped with
   speech-recognition equipment by saying the word "shift" very
   clearly and slowly into its speaker.  Then watch the keyboard
   closely to see if the Shift key moves down.  Note that you may
   have to repeat this action several times to "train" the computer
   to recognize your voice before the feature works reliably.

Q. There are two shift keys, which should I use?

A. Avoid unnecessary wear on either shift key by alternating
   between the two.  Keep track of your usage of each key so that
   you press them in equal amounts.  Your keyboard may be equipped
   with a small notepad; you should use this to make little tally
   marks in two columns for each time you shift.  Remember, it's
   better to go to a little trouble than wind up with a broken shift

Q. Why are the shift keys bigger than the other keys?

A. They aren't.  This is simply an optical illusion.  Just as
   the moon appears much larger when it is close to the horizon,
   your shift keys look larger because of their proximity to other
   keys.  To verify this, go out in a large field at night with your
   keyboard, place it in an upright position, and view it from a
   distance of 200 yards.  Sure enough, the keys all look the same

Q. If I press the shift key at the wrong time, or too many
   times, will my computer explode?

A. No.  Well, generally no.  Not unless you are using a NEC
   laptop.  Or vt100 terminal emulation.  But even then, hardly
   ever.  Really, don't worry about it.  Forget I mentioned it.

   Just type softly.  Move along, next question.

Q. no matter what i do, the shift key just doesn't seem to work.
   what's wrong/

A. Have you ever considered that the problem may not be your
   keyboard, the problem may be YOU?  Perhaps God Himself has
   suspended the operation of these keys to send you a Message that
   you have strayed from the path of righteousness.  Use this as an
   opportunity to reflect on your life. Before rushing blindly ahead
   with a lot of shifting, consult the spiritual advisor of your
   choice for help in dealing with any unresolved issues in your
   relationship with the Almighty.